I walked back into the bar and up to John. We looked at each other and then held each other, crying. It was all so sad.
We talked as John walked me to my car. I told him I thought what he did was “shitty”. He didn’t like that word at all. It was odd, he just didn’t want me leaving thinking HE was a shitty person.
We said goodbye to each other and I headed home. That night I cried.
I cried for the loss of “us”. After all of the relationships I’d been in, and through each failed attempt, I’d learned more about myself and who I wanted in my life. I could see us fitting together.
But apparently John couldn’t.
I cried because I knew this time it was over between us. I cried until I finally fell asleep at 2:00 in the morning.
Waking up at 7:00 because I had to go to work at the winery, the first message on my phone was from John. It read, “I didn’t want to wake up this morning because I didn’t want last night to be real.”
I ignored it and got ready for work.
As the day went on there were more messages. He left his house and just started walking. He kept walking and walking, occasionally pausing to send me a message.
He went on the same walk we had done together, and each stop he sent me a photo and a message. The first one read:
“I asked the fish what was wrong with me – but she wasn’t interested in talking to me right now. “
“So I asked the duck what was wrong me. She asked me back: “Since I like ducks why do I throw rocks at them to chase them away?”
I refused to message back.
Then I got: “Then I asked the lizard what I should do. She said that I was being selfish because you make my life better than it would be without you in it.”
This kept up for hours until my shift was almost over. As I was getting into my car to go home, the phone rang. It was John.
I answered, “What do you want?”
He said he wanted to talk to me and asked if he could come over. Without even a thought, I said yes.
When he arrived, I wouldn’t let him into my house, but said we could chat on my deck. I didn’t want him in my personal space anymore.
I sat quietly, not saying a word and looked at him straight in the eye. He looked like hell. Finally I asked again, “What do you want, John?”
He said he just wanted us to be friends again. When I told him it was too late for that and I would not got back to being friends, he then asked:
“Okay, would you be my girlfriend, then?”
What the hell did that mean? He told me that for him, the thought of actually being in a relationship again, scared the living daylights out of him. But he was willing to “go there” if it meant I would be in his life.
That was the first day of spring.