In September 2011, John and I continued our friendship and tried to hold each other up while the people we were dating were letting us down. Here is an excerpt from his book, Romeo’s Dilemma, with some commentary from me.
September 2011 – Act 4
By now Loretta’s pilot had adopted a policy of radio silence – she was hearing from him less and less. You know the drill, where the guy who was once texting all the time now isn’t. I took that to mean someone else was now on his radar screen.
John was so right about this. Mike went cold on me so fast my head was spinning. He was still stringing me on though with lovely emails, but I was also getting the “I’m out of town, or busy” signal way too much. And I had no idea what in the hell happened.
Loretta and I were still in pretty regular contact – we were texting a lot (which is funny because I hate texting) and meeting for coffee on a regular basis. During these meetings I noticed her telling me how interesting Mike was, and how handsome, and did I mention he’s a pilot, and blah, blah, blah.
It was weird to see her a little smitten with the guy – but hey, we were just friends right? And because we were, I felt the obligation to tell her to be careful because Mike might be a player. But if I didn’t word it right I knew I would sound petty. So while I did mention it to her – sort of offhand like – I also made sure the topic found its way into one of my columns this month.
And here’s the funny part about that situation: I got the impression she thought I was the player, and that Mike was just this sincere guy who was getting fully invested in her. And I guess I understood that. After all, I had tried to go home with her on our second date – but I wanted her to know that’s not all a guy wants.
We guys often want more than that, but we don’t express that desire as clearly as we do the physical one.
Speaking of physical, things aren’t going all that well between me and Betty – even so she’s starting to talk about me maybe moving in with her.
What a pair we were…John was giving me advice about Mike and I was giving him sex advice with Betty!
That was way too fast for me and I told her so. Plus we just weren’t doing all that well. Later in the month she seemed to sense that and started withdrawing from me pretty hard – to where it felt like maybe we were done.
I texted Loretta that it was pretty much over between me and the girl at the coast.
She later confided that it wasn’t going that well between her and the pilot, either.
But we were not yet close enough – or hell, maybe we were too close already – to give each other the guidance needed. So she asked friends what to do about Mike, and I asked friends what to do about Betty, and we both got that crappy advice that people who don’t really know always give:
Just hang in there and work at it.
That is exactly the advice we both got. Maybe he really is busy? He is a pilot you know? You just need to give her a chance, John. And so we hung in there….with the wrong people.
So Loretta decided to give Mike more time. And I decided to go back out to the coast and give Betty and me another shot. What a mistake that was – she used the opportunity to drop me like a hot rock.
And wow did that sting. Here’s a weird thing about me (which is probably true of a lot of other guys too) when I get rejected it can make me snap back pretty hard toward the woman who’s doing the rejecting.
All of a sudden, a woman who I really wasn’t all that into becomes the girl for me.
Yes, it is odd, and very annoying – but also very powerful. And I have no control over it. I don’t know if it’s because of getting dumped by the ex-wife, a personality glitch, or it’s how guys are wired (or all the above) but when it happens – look out – we’re going to be a mess for a while.
I was so surprised by John and how “heartbroken” he was with a girl he barely knew, not to mention a bit annoyed too. Why was he investing so much into a relationship that hadn’t even started? They weren’t even friends really…not like we were anyway.
I stop doing things I like and start moping around. I have these odd thoughts that the woman I wasn’t into before she dumped me, I now must have. All of a sudden she’s beautiful, and wonderful, and sexy, and artistic, and… well, you get the idea.
She’s not really any of those things – to me anyway – but if she rejects me she becomes those things. It’s sort of like going insane for a minute – you become annoying to be around because you just keep saying crazy shit about how she was the one, to the same people who, only last week, you were telling “She’s not the one”.
Like me. We had just talked about how he had very little in common with this woman and now she was all he could think of. What gives?
But I was learning a lot about him and how he gets into a relationship. I knew that rejection was the trigger that would make him yearn for a relationship even if it wasn’t the right one.
I was so messed up that I didn’t even feel like writing (and I always felt like writing) so I asked my editor if I could skip my column for the week because I just wasn’t in the mood.
That’s why there are only three columns in the month of September.
On the other hand, I decided to keep busy with friends and even had a friend take a few profile photos for me, so I could update my Match.com profile.