No matter what

Have you ever had a moment of complete and utter clarity? Or maybe a time in your life, when you could see exactly where you were and what you were doing, and felt shocked in the realization?

That moment came to me the day I was moving into my newly purchased ‘70’s house with the help of my best friend, Estelle and oldest son, Adam. Oh, and my husband of five months.

I stood in the kitchen feeling like a giant weight had been lifted off me, only to be replaced by an enormous sense of dread. As soon as my girlfriend saw me, she went into action.

Sitting me down on a nearby box, she asked me in a very calm, quiet voice, “What’s wrong.” All I could say through my hyperventilation was,

“I made a mistake, I made a mistake, I made a mistake.”

He spotted us and come over to see what was going on. He was my husband, and I couldn’t even look at him. My girlfriend asked him to give us some space, and sent him off to continue unpacking the truck.

She knew.

She knew exactly what was going on inside of me. So she held my hand and kept telling me it was okay. “It’s going to be okay, Loretta. No matter what.” Those were the words I clung to as I cried.

When my son saw us, he came to see what was wrong. I didn’t want to look at him either, because I was ashamed. I thought in that moment, “My kids are going to be so embarrassed by me.” That is a feeling I swore I would never have, but there it was, clinging to me like a wet blanket.

Estelle asked me what I wanted to do, and all I could think of to say was, “Run”. She suggested we go to dinner instead. Just the three of us. “He” wasn’t invited.

As we sat outside on the patio at the restaurant, they both listened to me tell them over and over that I had made a mistake. Finally, Adam asked what I wanted to do about it.

Looking at him, I couldn’t answer.

First of all, one doesn’t get married after knowing a person for three months, and secondly, they sure as hell don’t divorce after five months. Only crazy, insecure movie stars do that, right?

When Estelle repeated my son’s question, I finally said, “I want it to all to just go away. But everyone will judge me, and I will embarrass my sons.”

Adam immediately responded with reassurance that he and his brother loved me dearly, and would always be there for me….no matter what. The look in his eyes told me the truth in that statement.

Then I finally uttered the words that had been swirling around in my head since the moment it hit me in the kitchen, “I don’t want to be married to him.”

That night, the very first night in my new home, I stayed by myself. He stayed at the old house. I wanted to feel bad for him, but I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts of how I was going to get out of the mess I had created.

I may have had clarity on seeing my situation, but that night I had no idea how to go about fixing it.

My helpers, No Matter What
Always there for me, No matter what

Reader Comments

  1. Trisha

    Yes, I’ve had those moments, and had a big one as I was walking down the aisle the first time I got married. I was 20, he was 31. In my head I was screaming “I don’t want to do this!!” while everyone around me was smiling. I felt like I was in a dream… no, a nightmare. Every childhood dream of what getting married would be like was crushed that day. I was giving my heart away to someone I didn’t love, didn’t like the smell of, didn’t want to be my husband. But I couldn’t run, I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to for help or support. I met him in a religious cult, and it took 20 years before I could free myself.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, Loretta. It makes people like me realize I wasn’t alone. Even if our stories are different, they are similar.

    For years I was ashamed to even talk about it. How do you explain to someone what it was like being in a cult, allowing other people to control your life? How do you explain why you married someone you didn’t love? How do you explain why you stayed married for twenty years, to someone who doesn’t understand brainwashing, being controlled by fear and by all the things you were being told you can and can’t do. How do you explain to someone how you had six beautiful children with a man you didn’t love? There aren’t a lot of people who know my story, except for my closest of friends. They have all said I should write a book, but I would expose a sibling for his part in it, among others, and that doesn’t sit right with me, for now.

    ~ Trisha

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      Trisha, as always thank you for sharing. It is so important to know we are not alone in this life. I appreciate that you are sharing this with me, and others now. I would love to know more…

  2. Alice Coaxum

    Ultimately we have to make the decisions that are best for us. At one time or another we all get overwhelmed or confused. Realization can hit like a ton of bricks. But I believe when our intuition hits us it is for our own benefit.

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