Yesterday I found an old journal stashed away in a drawer. I say I found it, but really I’ve known it’s been there for a very long time. I put it in the same exact spot no matter where I’ve lived. It always goes in the drawer of my nightstand. I couldn’t begin to guess how many homes it’s been in.
The front cover is a bit worn, and it must have gotten wet at some point because the pages are wavy, but all the words that were written in it are still there. My first entry was Sept 21, 1990.
I wrote in that journal for almost 20 years. Sometimes about my family and other times about my own feelings and fears. But my favorites are the entries about our life on the farm.
“Creeeek, slam, creeeek, slam…I love that sound. You know what that sound is? It’s summer. It’s the sound of the screen door slamming shut all day long. It’s the sound of Adam coming in to get a cold drink of water on a hot day. It’s the sound of Noah running outside early in the morning just to see the chickens or the cats before it gets too hot to visit.
And it’s the sound I hear as I step outside in the early morning to water my flowers. We have a little visit before I get busy with the rest of my day.
I love my farm!”
I didn’t write much about the big things that happened in my life, but managed to capture the small bits that are part of everyday life. I even found an entry about this.
“Sometimes I hate to go back and read what I’ve written here. How could I not write about so many important things that have happened this last year? All of the changes we’ve been through moving to our farm? Why don’t I write about all of the big important moments?
Maybe because I will always remember them? I won’t always remember the look on Adam’s face, when he showed me the bullfrog he caught. Or when Noah said he loves the farm because the frogs sing to him every night. Or that small feeling of joy I get having fresh cut wildflowers in the house.
Those are the things I like to write about…”
There are photos in this journal too. For some reason it was important for me to document what I looked like at 35. Not only was there a picture of me, but my weight and measurements as well. Reading the words now, 23 years later makes me chuckle.
“Weight 146 lbs, Bust 39”, Waist 29”, Roll 37” (yuk!), Hips 38”, thighs 22”
I’ve been trying to lose weight since January! I started at 149! I need to exercise more! Why can’t I lose weight!!”
Oh would I love to go back and tell her a few things.
It’s fun and sad too, to look back on my old journals. There’s a lot of wonderful things written in them. And there are unhappy moments too.
I realize I’ve been writing for years. I think I’ve been trying to figure out life and who I am for a very long time. And I like that part.
I wonder if I’ll feel the same way in 20 years looking back at this blog?