Here is the very first post John sent me to edit (his fourth). I’m pretty sure I am “Debi” and “Tracy”
Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.” -Gloria Steinem
Gloria wrote that in 1970, and while I’m not a fan of starting my words by using someone else’s (feels a bit like cheating) I really couldn’t put it any better. Women and men have learned to hold many misconceptions about each other – here’s a couple we’ll deal with this week:
Men think women don’t know what they want.
Women think men don’t mean what they say.
And often both sides don’t fully trust each other. Does it sometimes seem as though we are two different species, cohabitating out of necessity, and only really coming together to make more males for one side and more females for the other?
Though it appears that way, it’s just not the case – so let’s see if we can’t dispel some misconceptions…
After last week’s column Debi wrote in to say:
“If we don’t sleep with you guys for a while, how do we know that a man isn’t thinking we are a tease? This is a real thought process for us. Men can be very persistent and we are only human too – it isn’t easy for us to say no a lot of the time.
Women are pleasers and it turns us on to please you guys so it is difficult to take on the role of a tease. You boys aren’t the only ones with a sex drive! Women need it too and we deal with a lot of labels and judgments if we let that be known.”
Good point Debi, and you know what? Some guys are going think you are a tease by not giving in right away, and those ones will then typically wander off. But is that a bad thing?
Like I wrote last week, wouldn’t you rather find out he’s Mr. Wrong after two weeks then after two months? So if Horny Hal gets frustrated that you’re not operating on his timetable, that’s his hard luck.
And by the way, these are the guys who will complain that you don’t really know what you want – and by comparison that’s true, in a way. After all, he knew exactly what he wanted, and how fast he wanted it!
But here’s the real deal Debi: You clearly do know what you want: a guy who wants you but will be respectful enough to wait for you. And there are plenty of guys out there who fit that description, so don’t worry so much about the guys’ agenda and just make sure you are doing what feels right and healthy for you. Work off your plan, not his.
Here’s one to file under ‘men don’t mean what they say’ – Tracy writes in to ask:
“When and how do you have the conversation about exclusivity? The problem with online dating is that everyone stays online, which feeds into insecurity.
For example, you have been dating someone who you met online say 6 weeks going on 2 months, seeing them regularly, but you have not ‘sealed the deal’ so to speak. What is the best way to approach this? (You can see that the other person still has an active profile).”
OK Tracy, here’s the dirt: when it comes to having that talk about exclusivity, if you bring it up, if you put us on the spot, we have a tendency to say things we think you want to hear. If you say you want us to take our profile down, we might do that, but if it wasn’t our idea I’m not sure the profile will stay down.
Something I’ve often said is that a man’s truth is not in his words but in his actions – don’t so much listen to what he says as watch what he does.
Clearly this guy has been saying the right things to you for the last two months, or else you wouldn’t still be dating – but his actions are saying that he’s staying on the market.
But hey, if you’re still going out with a guy after six or eight weeks without having parted the sheets that is a good sign, he’s continuing to see you because he likes you.
So maybe it is time to seal the deal – seems to me that is probably the next step here. To be perfectly honest I won’t commit to any woman until I know the sex is good – it’s such a huge part of the relationship, not for everybody, but it is for me, and it is for many others. So you might try doing that – go there and see what happens.
If after that he doesn’t pull the profile down within a week or two, that tells you something – it says that maybe this is going better in your head than it’s going in his – and that he’s decided to keep his options open. But if he voluntarily pulls his profile down, that’s a great sign – it tells you the relationship is going in the direction you want.
So take it to the next level and see what happens – you might find the view is better up there…
OK, that’s the Dating Coach’s advice for this week. Again, if you have any questions about online dating, what the guys are up to, what those weird things they say and do mean, or just a question about the whole process, you now have a guy you can ask. And while the other guys may not tell you the truth, this one will.
By John P. Gavin