Counting up to 60 and what I learned – decade four

I’ve heard it said that a grain of sand can tip the scale, but in my opinion it is the pile of sand before it that rarely gets the attention. By the time I reached 40 I felt like I was in a constant struggle to climb the dune I had created.

Turning 30 was fun and I was sure I had everything figured out, at least on the outside. I was married with two kids and very content with my day-to-day life. Things got even better when we bought a little 20-acre farm on the outskirts of town.

I’ve written many times before that I grew up on a farm, and when my boys were entering grade school I had the strongest desire for them to experience country life. The run-down, cat-infested place we purchased turned out to be the best place to let a couple of boys roam and discover things on their own.

A day of bucking hay

Moving to that farm was the best decision my husband and I ever made, aside from having kids that is. But even though we were happy playing farmers for a while, it didn’t fix the problems we were having in our relationship.

I was struggling inside and not only did my husband not understand, neither did I.

Let me try to explain.

My mom died when I was 11, and my brother died when I was 21. I was sure my 30’s would hold another tragedy and was holding my breath waiting for that call. If someone I loved wasn’t exactly where he or she was supposed to be, I knew something terrible had happened to them.

I also knew this wasn’t rational thinking and my emotions were guiding me, and many of those emotions came directly from the hurt 11-year-old inside me. That little girl was steering the ship and I had no tools to stop her.

On the outside, I was a busy mom and farmer. I rode horses, was the PTA president, grew flowers and tried to make everyone around me happy. But on the inside, I was living in fear.

One day the 11-year-old finally listened to the 37-year-old trying to find peace. I thought if I just kept worrying about my loved ones, no one would die. The rational 37-year-old was screaming that wasn’t true and I was making myself sick with worry.

From then on, whenever I would begin to worry about someone I loved I would stop, take a deep breath and visually surround them in white light. I would see them be okay, alive and healthy.

It was around the same time that I knew I wanted more than what I was getting in my marriage and by the time I was 38 we were heading for divorce.

I had to weigh the terrible blow this would have on my sons with the fact that I wasn’t showing them what a happy loving relationship looked like. I didn’t want them to end up where I was.

So I added one more grain of sand and celebrated my 40th birthday as a single mom.

What I learned: It’s okay to be happy.

My 40th birthday

Reader Comments

  1. Amy Kennedy

    Oh wow! Loretta! What a fascinating and ever changing journey you are on! What strength you had! I also do a lot of the “wanting to protect” the people in my life. It is not easy. Did you stay on the farm after that?

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      Thank you for reading, Amy. I did not stay on the farm. My ex did until we sold it. I still miss that little farm.
      I can tell you are the kind of person who protects her people….that is one of the things that drew me to you!

  2. Barbie Holmes

    Always looking over a shoulder, waiting for the train to hit! Brenee Brown talks about how we don’t allow ourselves to feel joy, but rather we tend to worry about how our joy will be pulled out from under our feet. You had the courage to get out of the marriage in the pursuit of finding your joy. One step closer! ❤️😘XO

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      I love her new talk on Netflix, Barbie!!! She is my idol.

      The feeling of the rug being pulled out from under me doesn’t go away entirely, but I am learning to recognize it as an irrational fear and let go of it when I feel it coming on.

      Thank you for stopping by!!! XX

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