Change is in the air

I want to stay on the farm…at least in my memory. Continuing the story is going to be hard for me. There are things that I’m embarrassed about, or wish I would have done differently. And most of those happened after we sold the farm.

If you’ve been reading along, you already know my marriage was pretty rocky right from the start. I can’t pin point one thing or say I know exactly what happened, it was more of a chipping away. After many years of this, there was nothing left to save.

At least that’s how I felt about it. I know my husband felt differently.

On our 17th wedding anniversary, I went to the coast by myself. I needed to go sit on the beach and look out over the ocean to get some clarity. Things were cascading out of control and we were in a constant battle over money. No one told me when I was young to make sure to be on the same page about big issues like money before getting married.

But it was just one of the issues that wouldn’t go away, no matter what we tried. We went to counseling several times, with several different therapists. We even went to individual counseling. We practiced all of the tools that were given us, but nothing worked for long. The same arguments resurfaced time and again, and we both held steadfast to our beliefs.

So there I sat, on the beach, watching the waves roll in and out. I sat there for hours. Just as the sun set into the Pacific, I knew in my heart what the answer was.

I also knew it was going to be hell for me, for my husband and mostly for my sons.

When I need clarity I head to the beach.

I went home after my weekend away, and I knew my husband could tell something was different. But I didn’t have it in me to talk about it, so I kept quiet, and just kept going.

The boys started back to school, Halloween and Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas was spent together as a family and then 1998 started. That was the year it all changed.

For all of us.

When March rolled around, I was invited to go to Hawaii with a good friend. You may recall, I wrote about that earlier. Four of us girls took off on an adventure that solidified my decision to change my life.

We had a great time, and I felt like I could take on the task ahead of me by the time I returned home. What I didn’t know was my husband had decided to make a change as well.

I walked in the door and found a lovely dinner waiting for me. This from a man who did not cook. I did all of the shopping and made all of our meals. I had even pre-made meals for them before I left for Hawaii. But the table was set and candles were burning. We ate dinner together as I shared my stories of my adventure with my friends.

And then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He said he did it wrong the first time, and wanted to do it right this time. I opened my mouth and said just one word…

…to be continued.


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